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21 Day EXERCISE and BLOGGING Challenge for PTSD.

IT’S TIME TO TRY ALL MY SECRET WEAPONS TOGETHER.

I’m up for an Exercise/Blog/ACT Commiment!


ANOTHER PTSD SURVIVAL DAY

Morning “Freaked-Out” Scale – 8

(On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the MOST freaked out)


I CAN’T PUT INTO WORDS HOW MUCH I HATE WAKING UP LIKE THIS.

I woke up shaky today knowing I had to do a problematic errand to send something important to my lawyer.  The anxiety was working on me already, even though I was hours from having to do it.

Working on ANYTHING having to do with the lawsuit having to do with my trauma throws me into an altered state, no matter how hard I try to keep it from doing so.

I got through doing the errand, and as I drove back in the garage I was shaking but IMMEDIATELY RELIEVED and determined to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, going through the motions… feeding the animals, making breakfast, etc.

THEN I realized that, while turkey is my “go-to” food for staying calm, that I ended the previous day with popcorn and no protein at all, and I’m certain that contributed to my nerves.  So I decided to lean on turkey today and reminded myself to DO WHAT WORKS!

Also, while I’ve been working on this lawsuit-prep for the last 6 weeks or so nearly every day, I would sit for hours and hours in a state of semi-paralysis, fixated on the computer OR fixated on analysis of what to do next… and totally lacking exercise.

I tend to feel that if there is a HUGE, DIFFICULT CHALLENGE in front of me I should not be allowed to do normal things to take care of myself and my life until it is F’IN DONE.  For instance, keeping the house super-clean and orderly is a big deal for me, yet when I’m going through something like this I will get the laundry and dishes done, but I will NOT do the extra things that make the house awesome and nice to be in… like organizing, vacuuming, extra cleaning.  It’s like a punishment for myself until I deserve a nice place to be in.

I know it’s wrong, I know it just contributed to the dysfunction, but it seemed to take EVERY SCRAP OF MY ENERGY to sit down at the computer one more time and allow my mind to face every horror that got me here, and how to find a way to describe it for the lawyers.

Sometimes the actual work only consisted of a couple of hours of writing, but it might take all day for me to pick it up, put it down, pick it up again… avoid it, freeze up, etc.  And after a couple of hours it was like I just hit threshhold and was gripping the trackball so hard that I had to pry my hand off it, and shut the computer just so I felt like I could come back to it again with a sane mind.  It was literal torture.

Exercise was another thing I deprived myself of usually.  I DON’T KNOW WHY.  I JUST TEND TO.


Afternoon “Freaked-Out” Scale – 4

(On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the MOST freaked out)


After my nasty errand this morning I was just calming down (the turkey-burger worked and a Klonopin no doubt helped) but then I read the mail and got aggravated all over about something from my incompetent ex-lawyer, which catapulted me right up to a 7 or 8 stress level.

I didn’t let that last however.

I just got on the treadmill and gave my body and brain a break.

The treadmill is so methodical that it creates it’s own sort-of hypnosis in a way.

I figure that if I can get the cortisone under control not only can I calm myself down overall, but maybe I can finally lose some weight and exercising will get even EASIER.

I have my eye on a 21 Day Challenge to exercise EVERY DAY and see how much more work and weight loss I can get done if I just keep that balance in my body as a priority.

Being in a more controlled-feeling body will take away some of this seemingly inescapable trapped-feeling.

Hopefully after a Challenge like that I will have built a bunch of great habits around the commitment, and have the strength to deal with the lawsuit again.

Before I sent the work out to my lawyer this time I was really in melt down mode, so I know that given my current abilities I can only accomplish so much related to the trauma… and somethings that’s a BIG FAT NOTHING.

I also realized that in the last few days of pressure to get that work out I failed to take my supplements, which include Omegas and B12 and other things to help with anxiety, so I’ll get that fixed by organizing them ASAP.

After exercising and typing on something UNRELATED TO MY HORROR-SHOW PAST I can already feel my brain and body being calmer.


Evening “Freaked-Out” Scale – 3

(On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the MOST freaked out)


 By the evening my entire system was in a completely different state.  Not only was I pleasantly PHYSICALLY tired, but my brain knew I’d done everything I possibly could to make it better.

There’s something to be said for that.

Part of what troubles me as a “layer” of the PTSD is the knowledge that I am doing SO LITTLE compared to what I used to do… accomplishing so little and contributing so little.

Even if I just pound out a workout, no matter how elementary, the regulated breathing alone has a calming effect… kind of like hypnosis.  No matter how freaked out and distracted I am while I’m doing the work out itself, if I can just get through it my whole system just FEELS calmer.  It ALWAYS helps.  And there are very few guarantees with this miserable condition, so the exercise is truly addictive.

I worked out 3 times altogether, in half hour segments.  Even when I was in my best shape I would only work out for 90 minutes, so over time that should totally fix the body thing.


OVERALL:  5 – Managed to work it out today.

On a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being happy and 10 being freaked OUT


BEST THING I DID TODAY – Forced myself to start my work outs and restart this blog, even though part of me just wanted to freeze up and curl up and pull the covers over my head.

TOMORROW
  • Just KEEP. IT. UP.

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