Pounding out physical work is a PTSD INSURANCE POLICY


Just physical cleaning, making things look good and getting organized is an easy, no-pressure thing to focus on, that lets my subconscious work in the background.


Morning “Freaked-Out” Level – 7

(On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the MOST freaked out)

Woke up shaky as usual, so went straight for the Klonopin.  I’ve pretty much given up the idea of tapering off it right now.  It’s so much easier to start a day NOT SHAKY and know I can do so much better given the crutch.  The torture of going without it is just not worth it.

My dreams are calming down after getting that lawsuit out of my sight yesterday.  It had started my nightmares up in a big way, and even though I take that Prozasin stuff I could tell everytime I woke up that I’d been in the middle of a NEAR nightmare… just an agitated dream.  At least it wasn’t night terrors.  Those things were utter murder to deal with.

So I have the whole day at the house today to just work on the computer, work out, and I’ve decided to hard core attach housework because I’ve put it off for SO MANY WEEKS.

When I’m in the middle of one of these PTSD meltdowns it’s all I can do to force myself to get through the day doing MINIMUM and handling whatever is melting me down… extras like having a dialed-in house just didn’t get handled.

So I started both working out AND cleaning early, spacing both between doing work on the computer, and I could tell it was going to be a good day overall.

Afternoon “Freaked-Out” Level – 3

(On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the MOST freaked out)

My stress feels almost non-existent today.  I don’t have pressure or mine-fields to walk through, but I do have a great goal of a killer workout day plus having a gorgeous house to live in for the weekend.  If every day was like today, my life might have a chance of being happy again…

I’m particularly aware of taking TIME to clean and organize, which is something I don’t usually do;  I usually rush through cleaning because it’s so mundane, but I’m so grateful to just BE ABLE to do it after the last few weeks of mental hell that I’m focusing on doing a REALLY COMPLETE job so I can a) Know it is TOTALLY DONE and b) be REALLY happy looking at the house later and not feel like I have to go back and redo anything.

Evening “Freaked-Out” Level – 2

(On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the MOST freaked out)

Today was like miracle therapy for me.

I set a goal, and I accomplished it.

It wasn’t a giant goal, but it was a giant improvement in my daily life compared to the way I’ve been living doing the lawsuit work.

I’d been so depressive I was usually really tired and sleepy and could barely do my mandatory chores, let alone care (other than on a subconscious level) if the house looked great or not.  If it was neat, and the kitchen was clean, I was fine… never mind dusting, vacuuming, deep cleaning bathrooms, etc.

So I made a great start today, got the kitchen floor steam cleaned, the kitchen and family room TOTALLY DIALED IN and those two rooms, being where piles land and there’s lots of stuff to move around and organize when I clean, took 5 FREAKIN HOURS.

So I only did one workout segment of about 35 minutes but by the end of the day my back was so jacked up from pushing our weirdo awkward vacuum around that there was no way anymore exercise was going to happen… nor was it necessary, frankly.


(On a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being happy and 10 being freaked OUT)


  • Kept pressing on with my plan, even though it was somewhat clear after 4 hours of cleaning that I wasn’t going to get the entire 3,000 sq ft house done.
  • Recognized when I was physically done for the day and didn’t overdo it TOO much.
  • Used the mini-pro thumper on my back, legs and feet to have the best chance of not being miserable tomorrow, so I can have another productive day.
  • Lost 1.4 pounds.  YES!!  GOOD JOB!!
  • Just KEEP. IT. UP!


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