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PUTTING MY COMMITMENT TO THE “FREAK OUT” TEST

SURPRISE AND CONFLICT ARE MY ENEMIES

I am so sensitive, and once triggered my self-control is SO MINIMAL!


JUST ANOTHER PTSD DAY

Morning “Freaked-Out” Level – 3

(On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the MOST freaked out)


Today started out so great.

I knew we were heading into the weekend, had plans to go to town and do appointments, errands, and then dinner, was TOTALLY looking forward to the day – and I had the fleeting thought that usually when I am TOTALLY looking forward to anything some weird, out-of-left field-thing happens and I’m slammed sideways.

So I was purposely aware of staying as level as possible, keeping the calm mood I woke up with, everything was copacetic, UNTIL…


Afternoon “Freaked-Out” Level – 9

(On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the MOST freaked out)


… we were literally walking out the door and realize someone’s car is stopped in the driveway… OVERHEATED!  We really didn’t have even 5 minutes to spare for getting to my appointment on time, so I said, “I’ll handle this”, asked the woman nicely to move her car out of the way, told her we’d get her water but we HAD to leave right away for an appointment.

Next thing I know we’re embroiled in this rather lackadaisical process of helping her with things that we really had no business getting into given the schedule… and NOT by my choice.

I tried to be diplomatic.  I REPETITIVELY tried to be diplomatic.  Then I realized my time was up and if I didn’t cancel the appointment ASAP I would basically get charged for it, so I ran in the house and got it over with… AND WAS JUST ABSOLUTELY SHAKING.

I PLANNED AROUND THIS APPOINTMENT SO DAMNED WELL.  HOW COULD IT NOT BE RESPECTED?

So I guess I’m not good at adjusting “on my feet”… HAHAHA

To say the least.

I was so confused by THE CONFUSION.  I kept thinking “HOW HARD IS IT?  I made it clear we HAD TO GO!”  And this was an appointment that was linked up with another one in a few days and now the whole thing could be screwed up AND ALL WE HAD TO DO WAS GIVE THE WOMAN WATER AND GO AND KEEP OUR NOSES IN OUR OWN BUSINESS.

OR… if we needed to help further we could’ve come back AFTER the appointment and helped.

BUT NOT THEN.

AND THERE WAS LITERALLY NOTHING I COULD SAY TO GET THAT THROUGH.

OBVIOUSLY my PTSD is lying right under the surface of every otherwise lovely day, just waiting for some unexpected change/conflict/problem to wig me RIGHT the hell out.

UN. REAL.

So I took a Klonopin and tried cleaning.  I was shaking so bad it was going to take me forever and be miserable every single second.  I got one bathroom and some laundry done and gave thought better of it.

I got on the treadmill and got my breathing under control and STARTED to feel better.

Then I sat down and started typing and was no longer shaking… just rather irritated and still confused.  And knowing I just had to WAIT IT OUT.  UGH… I just HATE this miserable out of control feeling… and this is all despite meds, working out, and all the self-help I’m doing.

But at least I’m not in the place I was when first diagnosed.

I hope to God I never to back THERE.


Evening “Freaked-Out” Level – 6

(On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the MOST freaked out)


So I’m still MAD-IRRITATED.

I’m not happy, but I think this is actually NORMAL irritation.

So it took about 6 hours and all my aresenal of tricks to come down to a level of normal mad-irritation.  But that beats total despondency, dissociation, fury, combativeness, etc.

And another round on the treadmill along with the sleeping pill tonight will get me to tomorrow and hopefully when I wake up this will only be an intellectual memory, not a palpable emotional one.



OVERALL TODAY – 6

(On a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being happy and 10 being freaked OUT)


BEST THING I DID TODAY

  • Not let the whole day go down in flames just because my anxiety was running amock.
  • Going ahead and doing my workout and cleaning so that at least tomorrow I’ll feel better than if I’d blown off the day in depression or isolation and paralysis.
TOMORROW
  • START OVER.
  • Get up and hope for the best again, and stick with the exercise/blog commitment.
  • Get into the ACT workbook in the morning.  My brain will be fresh then.

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