A few days ago I told myself I would do the work of checking in here like I said I would 6 months ago and NOT AVOID IT.
So here goes…
I have this nagging feeling that I’m going through some sort of mourning.
I recently fostered a horse and while it healed some of my issues just by making me engage in the daily maintenance and bonding… the horse reminds me SO MUCH of one of mine. I guess I might be triggered no matter what, but this is especially painful.
My horses are still around. They were stolen in a big traumatic drama that ended in an underhanded stealing of them. The thief thinks they’re hidden. I know where they are, but I lack the money to handle it legally from out of state, and I lack proof of ownership because of the big theft that took everything I owned, including my records.
SO… yesterday my partner and I were worried about the horse being an only “child” and OF COURSE my horses came up.
Today I told myself I would work MOSTLY on getting my business going. I HAVEN’T TOUCHED IT.
It’s a mixed bag: Right up my alley, but pressurized in the sense of the phone ringing and time commitments.
And, honestly, I just have NO ONE to talk this out with. I think that’s half the battle with this stuff. Like I said in my previous blog – NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR THIS. IT’S TOO MUCH.
I manage my home life reasonably well by being upbeat and not depressing or depressed as much as possible. I tried the “honesty” approach of sharing my feelings when I have them, and it was just too overwhelming for our relationship.
So all day today I’ve had this creeping, increasing feeling of dread/fear/sadness…
It is so pronounced I almost wonder if it’s meds. THAT’S why I hate dependence on meds… especially psych meds – you have no real idea where you END and they START.
But I’ve opted not to have the shrinks much with dosages for now because I am SO MUCH MORE STABLE than I was a couple of months ago I am always afraid to lose what sanity I have.
So tonight I realize I REALLY wish I had someone to talk to about this that just UNDERSTOOD it. But people WITH PTSD can be triggered by those kind of conversations, so I’m not calling anyone in my group. And “normal” people don’t get it anyway and hurt your feelings with the long awkward silences where they don’t know what to say… and try to think of a way to get off the phone LOL.
So for now, I’m going to shut my yap and try to eat something and hope it goes away.