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Up and down. And up and down again.

I have such a hard time predicting how
something is going to make me feel.


When I’m up and down and all over the place I have a devil of a time figuring out WHY.

And I’m a control freak so I’m trying so hard to at least LEARN the whys so I can cut down on the weirdo feelings.

This morning I woke up WAY RESTED, took nothing to sleep at all, and no sooner had I started to move around than I started panicking about the fact that it was later than I usually like to get up.

The difference between 6:30 and 9 AM makes a huge amount of difference in how much I picture being able to get done.

But then I go back to priorities – I NEEDED A GOOD NIGHTS SLEEP.  I knew I wanted to sleep until I was DONE SLEEPING.  I DID.

That’s a good thing.

When the panicky feeling started right away, first I took half of one of those Klonopins, because I figure that’s what it’s for, but I just basically got the laptop in front of me as fast as possible and got my head into some work… METHODICAL, ROUTINE, no real brainpower required type work, because honestly I just wasn’t even awake yet even though it was 9 AM.

That worked.

Pretty soon I was spending about 4 hours of productive work time plugging along… no panic.

THEN I realized I had to go jump in the bath to get ready for the afternoon and evening and that brought up the panic again.

It’s like as soon as I have a deadline – real or perceived – on me I have a panic/fear thing come on me almost before I even have the conscious thought.

My energy is REALLY GOOD.  It makes it a bit harder to control the panic, because it seems like the more I move fast and get things done the more my adrenaline starts up, and dovetails in with that PTSD crap.

Anyway, overall a decent day but thank God I have those meds because without them, whether real or imagined, I feel like my brain would be all over the place during the panic and I would get nothing done, which would panic me more, which would get less done… and so on.

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