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What strange cycles PTSD recovery goes through.

In the last few days I’ve experienced what seemed to be “complete normalcy”, utter emotional breakdown, and now this morning just flat out FEAR even though my day looks to be completely predictable and uneventful.

It used to be that if I had a feeling like this I knew it to be a premonition to check on something… something somewhere was wrong.  Maybe a reptile had gotten out of it’s cage, or someone I loved had gotten hurt, or I was about to get a call giving me bad news.

Now this feeling is just something that HAPPENS.

A LOT.

I finally have medication for these “panicky episodes”.  It’s called Clonozepam/Klonopin and they’re using it in conjunction with Abilify.  The first time they gave me Clonozepam it seemed to help rather immediately.  It doesn’t give you ANY sort of high feeling to tell it’s working, but my whole body and brain just seemed to relax and be able to make sense again.  COOL!

I started taking a half of one, since I really hate meds and the dependence on them.  Gradually I ended up at the dose of two per day they recommended.  And that went pretty well for a month.

When I refilled the script the pill looked different.  AND the effect is MUCH MUCH less noticeable.  I feel like I could take a bottle of these things and feel very little besides dizzy… and still be a bit panicky.  But Lord knows it took me over a year to get a competent Nurse Practitioner and essentially beg her during a total meltdown to GET ME RELIEF, and now I’m afraid to bitch about the color of the pill.  I feel certain they would brush it off, and there we have the PTSD reluctance to engage in ANY conflict.

So this morning I had taken one before my bath, and now it’s only noon and I HAVE to get to work and I took my second one.  Hey, if it works, great.  If not, I’ve learned you just have to suck it because no one’s gonna come relieve you of your life.

One really good thing today is it’s Monday and I’m on track for doing my workouts again for at least 4 days before the schedule changes to the weekend schedule.

I don’t know why I have trouble working out when my partner’s home.  Partly because I’m a hermit, I guess, and have almost always worked out alone, or with a specific trainer.  Every little thing distracts me, and irritates me, and I think I need complete focus, even on something as simple as exercise, in order to do it.

And I would really hate to hurt anyone’s feelings by up and saying… “Listen, I’m just not into this” nor would I want to look like a quitter.  So I AVOID.

I’m not going to worry about how to handle the weekends right this second.  I just want to get some of this nervous energy out of me with some Taebo and muscle exhaustion, and hopefully that will handle whatever this panicky nonsense is today.  If so, I might dare COUNT on it for the rest of the week.  😉

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