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With good, IMMEDIATELY comes bad?

Is it me, or does every little good thing that happens create a vacuum of evil into which a bad thing is SUCKED?

Honest to God… I’ve had a couple of good things happen, then POW!  REALLY BAD THINGS!

It seems like it’s been true my entire life.

In the past it has made me want to hide for fear of manifesting BULLSHIT.

I overpowered it with “positivity” for a long time – believing that no matter how much bad shit came at me I would still get up every morning with a smile.

For instance:  The meltdown of my business partner happened at the same time as my divorce.  However I got through my insanely threatening days at the office by thinking, “Everything is OK, at least I don’t have to go home to my husband tonight.  Or ever again.  It’s going to be OK.  I’ll get through it and have my life back.”

Right now I’m having SEVERE flashbacks from the accident and ensuing mess made of my life.  Why?  Because not only has my dust-bunny-at-best lawyer revived communication – after nearly a year of thinking he’d abandoned the case – but suddenly after 4 years the other side has decided to respond with a denial.

Meaning… we are to have a battle NOW after years of my attorney not even bothering to contact my witnesses for a statement?  Not even tapping their memories while they are fresh?  Not even getting depositions before they could get hit by a truck themselves, for instance?

So this is on the heels of accepting a contracting job – for the first time in over a year – where I’m on a deadline and schedule of sorts.

Does the lawyer mess balance out the job potential?  Yes and no.

The job is great, but pressure in itself.  The second the law suit started up I melted down.  I got through it after days of totally dysfunctional brain and physical symptoms, barely started sleeping through the night again with the help of meds, and now POW!  A court battle?

I don’t think I can live through it.

I think if I have to be in PTSD crisis every day to relive the nightmares it will wreck my life.  AGAIN.

How do I decide if millions of dollars (which I don’t even feel I will get because I have an incompetent lawyer who let too much time go by and I am so dysfunctional myself that I can’t compensate for his LACK) are worth risking the little tiny bit of quality and safety I have regained in my current life for?

So for today here’s the idea which lifted that 1,000 lb weight:

Every day I will give myself ONE HALF HOUR to worry and think about the worst bullshit I can dream up.  That includes the lawyer, the lawsuit, the WHY ME, the HOW TO SURVIVE… all that.

Then I am allowed to go on and finish the day with a smile and hope.

It’s only a concept, but for some reason, the second I thought of it I felt SO RELIEVED.

So I made a note on my phone calendar to remind myself to schedule the “fear-indulgence half hour” every day.

(GIANT EXHALE.)

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